It’s three
years today since I moved to New Zealand; probably three of the most strange
and challenging years of my life. Holidays in different countries are fine and
the first couple of months here were the same. But then you remember there's no
going home because home is here not there. Homesickness comes across as a form
of depression and eventually became just that. Forty six job rejections in
eight months didn't help either.
All the
little things that don't matter become very important when you're somewhere
that does them differently. In fact they become the most important thing in the
world and many of the important things no longer matter or become too difficult
to be arsed with. Normal responses and behaviour stop functioning in the right
way; life becomes a hazy fog where the brain is on automatic pilot. Over time,
I told myself, this will go and life will settle down as it always does.
It
didn't, in fact it exploded right back in my face. One of the hardest
situations to deal with is when we lose control over parts of our lives that we
previously were in charge of and then find there is nothing we can do to regain
it. Nothing at all. The end result for me was being initially diagnosed as
having clinical depression. Lately, this has been changed to a diagnosis of Dysthymia which added to the occurrence of
a bout of depression means I have ‘double depression’. I never do things by
halves.
Anyway, I think after three
years here I’m finally coming to terms with the country and Dunedin. Everything
has changed in my life even the length of my hair. In three weeks, I’m going
back to England with my two children for a short visit but it doesn’t ’feel
like going home because it’s not. Not anymore.
To think all those times you had a go at me for having slightly long hair! I'd be depressed with hair like that. Email - let me know what's going on down there
ReplyDeleteI'm in Liverpool from the 2nd to the 14th October. I'll email.
ReplyDeleteDamn good to hear form you again.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget there friends of you out there in the world!!!!
Thomas
Good to hear from you. How's Berlin?
ReplyDelete