Not in Kansas anymore

It’s three years today since I moved to New Zealand; probably three of the most strange and challenging years of my life. Holidays in different countries are fine and the first couple of months here were the same. But then you remember there's no going home because home is here not there. Homesickness comes across as a form of depression and eventually became just that. Forty six job rejections in eight months didn't help either.

 

All the little things that don't matter become very important when you're somewhere that does them differently. In fact they become the most important thing in the world and many of the important things no longer matter or become too difficult to be arsed with. Normal responses and behaviour stop functioning in the right way; life becomes a hazy fog where the brain is on automatic pilot. Over time, I told myself, this will go and life will settle down as it always does.

 

It didn't, in fact it exploded right back in my face. One of the hardest situations to deal with is when we lose control over parts of our lives that we previously were in charge of and then find there is nothing we can do to regain it. Nothing at all. The end result for me was being initially diagnosed as having clinical depression. Lately, this has been changed to a diagnosis of Dysthymia which added to the occurrence of a bout of depression means I have ‘double depression’. I never do things by halves.

 

Anyway, I think after three years here I’m finally coming to terms with the country and Dunedin. Everything has changed in my life even the length of my hair. In three weeks, I’m going back to England with my two children for a short visit but it doesn’t ’feel like going home because it’s not. Not anymore.